That Frog kicked my ass!
So, those who say the French can't fight have never met my trainer. Post the severe beatdown he laid on my ass yesterday, it has become clear to me that they can in fact fight...they just choose not to.

Here is sit, with a shiner under my left eye, a nose with what looks like a bruise about to surface, a neck sore from holding on to my head as it was knocked around, and an arm peppered with bumps...all in the name of fun and fitness...heh!

Right after he whooped my ass, Frenchie told me how well I'm doing and how he had to kick it up a few levels to kick my ass....is that a complement? I guess it could have been worse...he could have told me I'd be better suited to join a chess club.

Here's to healing!

There is a drinking, dancing festival in willow glen this weekend...I think evil-e will have to make an appearance....I'm contenplating a wife beater so that people know i'm there for the booze and not the dancing....maybe put a mustard stain on it or something...for effect......

Out of it....poop, shit, fucken black eye'd bitch!

Did i mention that I love to swim?
As I'm on the way out the door today to go for my lunch time swim, I get a call from LBK. I tell him that I'm going to swim and he offers up the pool at his apartment complex...which is a huge, outdoor, lap pool...right up my alley and way closer to work than where I go to swim with a bunch of...well...i'll just say people i'd rather not swim with....

So damn man...I'm a pretty good swimmer, but I about drown in that pool! It wasn't due to a momentary lapse of swimming knowledge, rather it stems from ALL THE HOT BABIES SITTING AROUND THE POOL TANNING! But who tans at 11:30 am on a tuesday? I'll tell ya who...all the other college kids that live there as their semester ended last week. Holy favoirite new hobbie batman! I threw on my outdoor swimming goggles with the tint over the eyes (to make my staring less obvious) and hit the laps. With every breath I took I got a glimpse of yet another hottie...laying there..letting the sun worship their 18 year old bodies....holy shit!

If you like candy...I just found the fucken factory! Just call me willie wanka!

Stuff...
So there was some people who got unsettled when I carried on about being old and getting out of the game...to those stock holders of Coors, Jack Daniels, and Hemp Farms I say this....stand easy...I aint going anywhere! You will continue to see quater over quater sales increases....you're welcome!

-----

How to run on a hang over (and take it from me, I'm a pro!)
1. Get Drunk
2. BEFORE you go to bed, drink one of the following as they will all help you stay hydrated:
a. A large Gatorade
b. 2 small v8
c. 2 containers of pedalyte
3. Next AM, drink 1 grande coffee (the stiffer the better...it's a known performance enhancer)
4. Continue to drink H2O for a couple of hours.
5. Take your run aroun 11AM fully hydrated and on an empty stomach.

Now, I've used this formula for years and I've only thrown up on 1 run...and it was a 7 miler on a 90 degree day and I had a super duper hang over.


-------

AM, PM, it don't matter to the Jesus...
I love life...so much that I hate sleep cause I feel like I'm missing out...so I don't do it much. It occured to me this AM as I'm driving LBK home (he crashed at my pad) as I'm all chipper n cheery, that I'm a morning person AND and night owl! What a gift methinks. I was able to hang with him till the wee hours of the morning, and then successfully annoyed him the whole ride home with my upbeat attitude and happiness to have the day under way. I'm carrying on...shooting the shit....excited for the day....LBK slowly turns his head and looks at my though blood shot, half-opened eyes and muttered a phrase I could barley hear until I asked him to repeat it....

E: "What dood?"
LBK: "Shut the fuck up!"
E: "oh...you not a morning person?"

Love that kid.

I've hit the wall..
In my younger days, if someone mentioned too much partying without serious injury, i'd laugh it off as some lame excuse...well...I think it's official. Despite my efforts of lotioning every day to keep wrinkles away, Despite all the green tea to kill those free floating radicals, Despite the running, Despite the vitamins...it's just unavoidable....i'm getting old! (Takes a moment to wipe away a single tear for youth). Man, I think all this shit is catching up to me! I've been so low energy as of late as the last 5 weeks has been a tribute to good times...and they have rolled, but damn mang...aftermath! My run today felt as though i've never jogged a mile. Perhaps this is the wakeup call I needed. Maybe this will be THE EVENT, the time when you put all childishness behind you and become a responsible adult. Is this it? Is my rebirth as a adult actually happening to me right now? What a mile stone in my life!


.....


.....

HA! I was just fuckin with ya! Still full of piss and vinegar! When I hang up the gloves it'll be for some Depends(TM) and i'll be the only fucker in the home asking every pretty girl that walks by to change my diaper!

Show Boy, Closet Woogies, and Dancing Canadians
I sit here and write this post with the haze of what amounted to be an epic weekend still lingering in my head. I'm finding it difficult to summon the words to describe such a weekend...I'll just give you some highlights...

- 6 boyz can fit in a hotel room the size of a box of matches...as long as the Woogie sleeps in the closet!
- Just because they don't make travel bongs, doesn't mean you can travel with one. Again, courtesy of the Woogie!
- Cheezie poofs are nasty and better for throwing rather than eating.
- If the woogie stops snoring, you have about 30 to fall asleep before it starts again.
- They wont actually bust you for smoking pot in a bar...they just act all tough like they will.
- The brothers are WAAAAY better at pool than the others.
- 1/3 of all hot chick live in SB...the other 2/3 live in IV! Holy shit...nobody ever told me that place existed!
- If you feed a canadian enough CC n Coke, he will dance in front of the bar....with all the girls....and the boys.....ALL....NIGHT....LONG!
- Sometimes Woogies get tired and have to lay down right where they are...even if that's in the middle of the street.
- Sometimes Woogies get Nam flash backs and dive into bushes behind stone walls seeking cover.
- When Woogies climb out of bushes behind stone walls...it looks REALLY funny!
- If you get too drunk, it's hard to talk to girls....or boys...or anything but dogs.

This weekends Top party award will be presented to Measly "Woogie" Monkey and G "Dinty Vern" Money....the drunkest sailors on the ship!

It's gonna take a lot of coffee and water to get through today! Damn I don't feel like running!

Together we raped the horses and rode off on the women!
This is NOT a test of the emergency broadcast network...this is a REAL warning. If you live in the Santa Barbara Area, you're on bandito watch! We've received word that 2 brothers, 2 perverts, a Canadian, and a Filipino are headed south armed with capes, weed, and the worse intentions to the SB area. Our intelligence indicates that they will be meeting up with one measly monkey who is suspected to be armed and dangerous. Please be sure to lock your barn doors, put the chickens in the coop, bring the horses in from pasture, and by God, if you have ANY daughters or wives, please, please lock them up...as they are at the highest risk of contracting what looks like in our satellite pictures to be herpes!

God help you all....you gonna need it!

NO, it's not a cold sore!
So, this weekend me and a crew of buddies are rolling down to Santa Barbara for the sake of mischief! I wanna hit up some surfing, drinks of course, and chat with the local wildlife....

Ya know how you get a zit the day of a first date or some other important event where zits aren't welcome? Well, I kinda got myself a "zit" yesterday. I took a heavy punch to the mouth last night...which caused a fair amount of cuttin n bleeding...fine....the bitch of it is, today, my lip is swollen and the color of grape coolaid (which is nasty...coolaid i mean...my lip too). Talk about feeling self conscious! I have elephantitus of the lower fucken lip! So now, this weekend while talking to "wildlife" i get to sit there trippin cause the only thing going through my mind will be "this girl thinks i have a nasty cold sore, or some other lip issue...."

I need a t-shirt that says... "No, it's not contagious...it's just a fat lip!"

Damn this thing is ugly...afraid to leave my cube and show my disfigured face!

The pleasure is mine, that of being the E
I usually wake up in a combination of the following:
- Hung Over
- Content to be me
- Late
- Horny
- Horny

Today, I was late and horny and too late to do anything about either....
I'm late, I'm late, I'm double double late.
No time to say hello, goodbye,
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!

----

I did something stoopid yesterday. My ex needed a lift from the airport, and since it's been a while since i've been kicked in the teeth, and she had the nerve to ask, I did it. There is nothing like the tension of sitting in a car next to someone you used to be close to, and no longer are. Back in the day, I could talk that girl's ear off and listen to her carry on about her job, and the evil bitch at work who is out to destroy her. Yesterday, we sat in silence for the entire 30 minutes in the car. I was so out of sorts, I didn't even turn on the fucken radio.

I think in the future, when I want to be uncomfortable, I'll opt for anal beeds or alligator clips on my nipples. To that end, the next time I want a head trip, I'll eat a sheet of acid, or just pay some bum to skull fuck me in the frontal lobe (prob through my right eye as i'm left eye'd).

I just don't understand the disconnect between the perceived outcome of seeing her (oh it'll be nice to catch up), and the actual (get me out of this fucken car) which is a totally uncomfortable head trip. I think i'm just too sensitive for all this "let's be friends" shit. In the poetic words of LBC...

"Every time you come around, it startles me the same..."
"Is it you, that I miss, or is it just your skin...."

I think i'm gonna pick up some anal beeds at lunch casue this bullshit has gone on long enough!

------

LBK said something interesting to my yesterday which i still ponder today..

E: "G$ is legit"
LBK: "yeah he is....nice guy..."
E: "Totally"
LBK: "I don't think i've ever met a Canadian that I didn't like!"
E: "heh, no shit....I don't think I have either!"

This made me think of a monologue I was spittin this weekend carrying on about how American boys growing up play guns and war....Canadian boys play "Picket". While we're down here working on military tactics as young boyz, harnessing our ninja-warlord skillz, our northern neighbors are playing picket; working on their non-violent protest skills.... Handing out peaceful protest signs and taking turns being the rally crier.

Point: "You're dead! I shot you! Count to 100!"

Counter Point: "Can I please hold the "Get our of Iraq" sign today? You got to hold it yesterday and I think we should share"

The Largest Circle Jerk I ever saw...
I just escaped from what has proven to be the biggest waste of time since Pat Buchanan suggested building a big wall around the U.S. I sat in a room full of about 15 people (all of whom make around 160-180k per year) who were stumped by the question i posed. I din't ask anything too complicated. It was not Chicken before egg...Capitalist vs communist...why is the sky blue kind of question...rather, I simply asked "What do you intend for the outcome of this meeting to be?"

If my calculations are correct, my company spent $2000 (estimate includes base salary and benez...no bonuses) on our 1/2 hour worth of time to come up with this response:

"Blah blah blah, blah blah blah...blah. Blah blah blah blah blaaah."

Money well burned. Never got an answer....a full half hour of a self-important asshole trying to answer a simple question. I think he should be flogged with his blackberry, and given paper cuts all over his body with his over-inflated paycheck!

Aftermath...
What can I say about a M-day long weekend other than take a look at Coors quarterly profits at the end of the month...if you see a spike in sales...you can blame me and my Canadian roll-dog (they speak English in Canada no?). I'm pretty sure that hung over was re-defined this weekend. Went camping with the Jwump Daddy Cain n da gettalong gang.....drunkest, dirtiest, plan changin, most gigglin weekend i've had in a long time! Here I sit at work, and I'm not even sure I know how to do what I do any more! heh...way too much fun.

In other business, I had someone post a comment regarding my American ignorance regarding the language of Portugal. I usually don't engage in pissing contests with girls or on blogs, but this merits a special case...a corner case if you will...so..here we go....
Couple of things to note...first off, please keep the scope of comments within the domain of the post. If you wanted to start a dialog about what I know or don't know, i'd appreciate an insulting email where I can then post based on how the email made me feel. You see, here in America, I think it's less of a matter of education (I can only speak for myself) and more a blatant disregard for who I offend, or how I offend them. I would have studied more about the Mexican people of Portugal in college, but the goal in going to college was to attain skills which would help me pay off the fucken loan I took to be there in the first place! Secondly, I think over-generalizing makes for good comedy...just my $.02...but then again...this is MY forum...so if my 2 cents is too much for you, I suggest you exchange my 2 cents for pesos...or some other Mexican currency (or are you telling me that over in Portugal you have your own money too! Fascinating!) If you read my thoughts, I think you need to own how they make you feel....cause I certainly wont! Thirdly, Portugal has been occupied by more civilizations in the past 3 thousand years then I could shake my dick at!! I just think you're pissed because Portugal hasn't been a substiantial economic, cultural, or political superpower since the 15th or 16th (you'll have to check my history...I am in fact uneducated) centuries. Shit, ya'll didn't even officially become part of the European union until 1986!

To my Portuguese speaking, Mexican friend living in Portugal, I issue you my deepest aplolgies. Remember, I was simply trying to tell you that you're pretty in your mother tongue.....now, you make me wanna lick your mother's tongue...and if she's a good kisser, perhaps I wont stop there! Grrrrrrrrrrr For my sins, I would like to offer you 2 Euro (that's your currency right?) because that would raise you're GDP like 9.80646932781555992 * 10^-6 millionths of a percent (Still making you 41st in the world) so that I can sleep better at night on my 600 thread count sheets that were in fact Hecho in Portugal.

{Clears throat and smiles}

FUCK YOU!

(Nothing like a good ole fashion All-American "your mom" joke!)

They took our jobs!
I hate my boss. I just got her, and I already want to send her back for a full refund plus shipping and handling. I've been a professional nerd for close to 8 years now...i don't need some dumb fucken, english as a second language speakn, never thinks before she talkn, always just poppin in, high pitched voice having, constant interrupting, funny smelling, micro managing, non-comprehending {breath} boss buzzin in my ear! Argh! When I take over the world when i grow up, i promise to rid the planet of these types and replace them with dictators....at least they have vision!

A-jay A-jay A-jay

Sorry, between HOS post-poning my arrival and short ass ewalks fucken with me, i'm in a bit of a mood!

There, and back again, then back there and back....
So, this AM, i'm running totally late for work...which puts me in my "drive like a bat out of hell" mind frame...now if you know me...you know that i drive like a nut case on a sunday afternoon drive when there is no rush (i know my sense of urgency will kill me...the shrink and i are working on it), so being late only further drives me to insanity! So not only am i late, but i kinda have to go potty, which further drives the fear of God into me...at this point...it's more than an urgent drive to work, but more a frantic flight to avoid having one of those first grade kind of accidents!

I see my goal....the drive way that will lead me to work, and more importantly at this point...a friggen bathroom! As i'm trying to think of who to thank in my victory speech, my phone rings....it's H.O.S. (Harvester of Sorrow a.k.a The Dragon). He tells me that he's fucked on the side of the road as his car crapped out and that he needs me to come get him ASAP! Now ususally i would tell someone to chill out and i'd be there as soon as i could (post toilet duties), but HOS is one of those friends who has picked me up from jail, rescued me from being marooned in san francisco, stood up to his wedding and the list goes on...so needless to say...I had to "Pucker up" and flip a bitch. Total disappointment. Come to find out that he is right by my house...the place i just fled with the speed of hermes. Was I being taugh a lesson? Was I supposed to learn something from this?

So I didn't get into work until like 10:30....so much from being in at a reasonable time...no problem, i'm sure the slave driver wont mind me spending the rest of my evening here.....All's the dood wanted, was to goto work on time and get paid to poop.